Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
