I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
