I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
PANTIES FOUND
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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