Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
