just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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