What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
