Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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