That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
