I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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