I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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