I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
