I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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