I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
