She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
