Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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