this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
