It was confusing and full of hummus
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Bring me that man meat
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
