I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
