I haven't been this sober since birth.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
