I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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