apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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