The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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