I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
