As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
