Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
