there's paper in my vomit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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