Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
