Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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