If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
