i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
