I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
