my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
