hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
