that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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