My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
