I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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