my mouth tastes like poor choices
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
