John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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