At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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