I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
