My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
