you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
