I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
