Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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