Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
