420 ftw
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
