May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
