I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Life is so much better after having sex.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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