I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
