I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
